12MN Vehement

not good enough

I feel sad tonight, for reasons that I myself is responsible for. I keep thinking about something that I know will hurt me and will make me feel unassertive. First pitty party after NY (you are invited) *deep sigh*

Emo moment while listening to “Name Above All Names” by Martha Munizzi. It is one of the lineup songs for January 4 schedule. (It is actually an upbeat song and very inappropriate to feel sad) It started with a song The reason why I feel forlorn is that, the song has a complicated arrangement (in my own opinion) AND I’m having a hard time practicing it. No chords available on the internet, only paid piano sheet which I’m trying to read on the preview (I don’t have money to purchase a legit one) and so I wrote it.

I gave myself a break after practicing for almost the whole day.

While playing COC (I know this is irrelevant) all my builders are unavailable so I closed my ipad and stare at the ceiling. Then my thought lingers… “I am not good enough” in all things that I’m doing. Even for this one that I thought I am passionate with.

*Sad face*

I’ve been playing keyboard for 4 years or more, and yet I am not growing. I still play like uhm, what, a beginner? Or perhaps the next level after that.

Then, I encourage myself.. “Aubrey, you can do it, just listen to the song once again”

“But maybe that’s right, I am not good enough… lahat nalang! Even at work, I am not growing, bla bla bla”

SO ANONG GAGAWIN KO? Mag-eemote nalang ako forevs? NO WAY.

I took time to pray. I am focusing too much with myself, forgetting that it is not about me (it will never be). I asked God for forgiveness with these unhealthy thoughts. After all, it will all boils down to my relationship with HIM, how much I trust Him to do these things for me, and how will I improve myself that I will reflect His glory. Allowing his wisdom and power to manifest in my weakness.

Now, I am overwhelmed with His word.

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19 NLT

*cry*

I can really feel His comfort tonight. He’s really a father who constantly reminds me how much He loves me. I know He felt the same way with you. ^^

And so while the song is on loop when these things happened, It was on the bridge part that says

“Jesus, God with us, more than enough… oh, how I love Your name.”

Even if I am not good enough, He is more than enough.

Now, I will sleep with a smile. Secured, loved, ready for tomorrow’s practice, done with this unedited blog, wu-hoo! (I have 3 more on my drafts) and lastly, my COC builders are finished – will make them build again before I sleep.

 

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